I want a phone case that’s the back of a yu-gi-oh card
PANTHER ACTIVATED
ᵂʰᵃᵗ ᶦᶠ ᴱʳᶦᵏ ᶦⁿᵗʳᵒᵈᵘᶜᵉᵈ ᵀ’ᶜʰᵃˡˡᵃ ᵗᵒ ᵃⁿᶦᵐᵉ.
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Here it is: how I got Horrible Histories banned from my school.
Sit down, I’m going to tell you a story.
Imagine a little girl, a 4’9” fifth grader with dimples and twinkling blue eyes. Oh, look, she’s going to the school library. Perhaps she’s going to rent Little Women, or read On the Banks of Plum Creek by Laura Ingalls Wilder!
Five minutes later, she exits the library holding a large stack of books called “Horrible Histories.”
And she’s thumbing through one called “Angry Aztecs.”
Record scratch. Freeze frame.
Yup, that’s me! The only history geek in a fifty mile radius. Living in Bumhicksville, Nowhere (name changed, but very accurate) is pretty terrible, and going to school at Caucasian Christian School of Goodness (again, a name change, but an apt description) is even worse. I snapped a bit while I was attending, due to the lack of permissible self-expression, but horrible histories were my guiding light.
Flash forward six months.
Our teacher wants us to do a history project about an ancient civilization. Since our curriculum is Eurocentricism.JPEG, most kids pick the Greeks or Romans (and completely skip over all of the good stuff, like orgies and gladiator fights) in their presentations.
I choose my favorite ancient civilization:
The Aztecs.
My teachers knew I’d been reading Horrible Histories, but what they didn’t know was that I’d also been avidly reading all about Aztec mythology. I walk up to the front of the class, pull on a turquoise skull mask, and raise my arms to the sky.
My teacher goes sheet white.
I give my presentation and skip nothing. Nothing. Every detail of the sacrifices, every dirty, disgusting part.
It all culminates when I point to the calendar.
“It’s May!” I shout, my little girl voice rising an octave. My teacher looks like she’s about to phone the police. “The Aztecs called May Toxcatl.”
No one moves or breathed. I continue blithely.
“Toxcatl was a month dedicated to the worship of the god of the night, Tezcatlipoca.” I’m still going. Everyone is afraid. Marie, one of my classmates, looks like she’s about to cry.
“They’d dress a brave warrior as the god all year, and at the end-“ I pull the red streamers out from behind my display, shouting: “They’d sacrifice him!”
The kids shriek as the streamers of “blood” roll out across the floor.
The principal walked in, hearing the commotion, just in time for me to really get into character and shout “BLOOD FOR THE GOD OF THE NIGHT!”
And that’s how Horrible Histories and all mentions of the Aztecs were banned from my school.
A fucking hero
It’s so incredible the amount of influence that “you know I had to do it to em” guy had. Like everyone online thinks of it when they see someone standing with their hands clasped, there’s been literally countless parodies, and he’s just some kid who posted a silly comment on his pic with sock tan lines. Imagine you went back to medieval times and told them that a young man could just clasp his hands together and have literally millions across the globe recognizing him as a symbol within a month. They would think you were talking about God
the human body is so fake like i’ll be reading the news and it’s like “25 year old woman free falls 1,500 feet into 25 feet of snow, found alive and uninjured” and while I’m absolutely reeling over that I don’t even have time to process it fully before I look at the next article “25 year old man falls into shallow end of pool, dies instantly.”
like our bodies literally have the durability predictability of an iphone
one time I misjudged how steep a “hill” was and proceeded to slide down the slope of a cliff for a full half minute and hit the bottom unscathed.
then I tripped on the stairs on my way to see Neon Genesis Evangelion and shattered my entire kneecap.
We have god mode or one hit K/O no in between
*eats 14 packs of scooby doo fruit flavored gummy snacks*
im gonna solve mysteries so fucking good
I’m constantly torn between the ‘be kind to everyone’ and the ‘fuck everyone you owe them nothing’ mentalities
Do no harm but take no shit
DO NO HARM BUT TAKE NO SHIT
Hot take: on a scale of nerd vs jock, LARPing is a more jockish activity then fantasy football.
LARPing: people going outside and being physically active, requires working as a team with people
Fantasy Football: poindexters on the computer, playing with stats
